I've been writing this letter in my mind for the past how many days, but as I try to start typing it, my thoughts were unorganized and I don't know where and how to start. So it ended up like this. Sorry for the intro being a mess. Haha.
Months before you left, you have already decided that you won't be celebrating your birthday with us here, and we pretty much accepted what you wanted, even though at first I thought, you're running away from the celebrations because you're already turning 60. Hahaha just kidding. :)) But a few days before you flew away, you revealed to us that you actually wanted a celebration, with your family and friends and all of the important people in your life. However, God called you to do something different for your 60th birthday. You are where you are right now because He has called you to minister: to ex-office mates at Loyola, to friends, to meet Art Rorheim, and to solicit for our AWANA Camp. You are there for a purpose, and I am happy and proud that you are always willing to obey and go wherever the Lord wants to take you.
On the day of your flight, just a few minutes before you leave our house, we prayed together for your safety and protection as you travel, and also for the ministry you'd be doing there. You prayed for our safety and protection, too, while you were away and we'd be on our own. When I opened my eyes I wasn't surprised to see you crying, but I didn't exactly know why. Hannah quickly fell back on the bed and as you did your final check on your bag, I asked, "Nanay, bakit ka umiiyak?" (Mom, why are you crying?)
And then you cried even more.
"Kasi iiwan namin kayo eh." (Because we're leaving you behind.)
"Babalik naman kayo 'di ba?" (You're going back, right?) Then tears started falling from my eyes, too.
"Hannah, alagaan mo si Ate ah. Ate, alagaan mo si Hannah ah." (Hannah, take care of Ate, okay? Ate, take care of Hannah.)
No more words came out. We just cried and hugged each other. After a while, we let go, then me and Hannah went to lay down on our bed. A million thoughts were running through my head. When Pastor Mark called, I went down with you and bid good bye until all of your baggage were loaded and you went into Daddy Alvin's car, and I pretended to yawn because it's just 3.30 in the morning and I was really trying hard to hold back the tears. When I came back to our house, I found out that Hannah was awake. We joked each other with all the crying and the sobbing and the drama. We weren't able to sleep again until it's about 4.30 am.
The million thoughts started rushing through my head the moment you said that you're leaving us behind. It was the trigger to my tears and to everything I've thought of during that short period of time. This is the first time that we cried because you were leaving, that you're leaving us behind and on our own. It's not the first time that you'd be gone for a long and far away trip, and we haven't cried before because of that reason.
This time was different.
I knew that we were crying because we are closer to each other than we were ever before. I was crying because I had just taken for granted the regular days that I spent with you at home, and I appreciated even more our being together at that time because you are about to leave and I won't be seeing you for a long time. I wanted to say something to comfort you but all I was able to say was, "You're going back, right?" The unspoken fact remains -- that it might be the last hug, the last good bye, and the last cry that we would be able to share because of life's frailty and uncertainty -- and I could only hug you so tight, I failed to say the words I was thinking to encourage you and lighten up your heart. That's why since it's your birthday today, I'd be saying it to you now. :)
You didn't leave because you didn't want to celebrate your birthday with us; you left because God has a purpose for your trip. You have a mission to fulfill; to be a missionary, sharing the Gospel on the other side of the world; to be a minister, to the people who needs encouragement and to those who have been a blessing to our lives and our ministries (including Art Rorheim); to be a messenger, of how God is greatly working on the lives of the children here in the Philippines, and that they need financial support to be able to join our AWANA Summer Camp. God's plan is greater than our plans, and I know that He's the One who will see you through as you do His will.
As you celebrate your birthday away from me and Hannah, I just want to assure you and Tatay that we are doing well here, even though it's just the two of us. :D We are surrounded by people who cares and loves us and always checks on us as if they're our parents, too. So no need to worry, just enjoy your time there and do what God wants you to do. ;)
I'd like to say sorry for the times that I hurt you, and for the times that I might hurt you again in the future. But do know that I love you so much, even though I know I can't pay or love you back enough for all the things that you've done and given for me (including the nine months that you brought me around in your womb HAHA). You are not a perfect mother but I am really thankful to the Lord because He's given just the right and best one for me. Happy happy 60th birthday, Nanay, and please take care of yourself because I am looking forward to more years of serving God together with you. I love you! :>
Love,
Ate
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